Artur Borucs Friday Rage List

Friday, June 1, 2012

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WHAT'S HAPPENING -- I BLACKED OUT A FEW WEEKS AGO AND NOW I'M IN A POOL SITTING ON FOAM NOODLES AND THERE'S CREME BRULEE IN MY NOSE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN TASTE THE BURNT SUGAR IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ARGENTINE FANS THREATENING TO SHOOT A PLAYER IN THE KNEE IF TEAM DOESN'T WIN -- SO WHAT?!!?!?!?!?!??! I SHOOT MYSELF IN THE KNEE WHENEVER I RUN OUT OF COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!! MY KNEECAPS LOOK LIKE PINCUSHIONS FILLED WITH BULLETS BUT I'M NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH STOP LOOKING AT MY KNEECAPS!!!!!!!!!

3. THE DUTCH NATIONAL TEAM'S WEIRD VIDEO -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- DURING MY MOST RECENT BLACKOUT I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CORN FIELD AND HAD TO FIGHT MY WAY OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL VEG COULD OVERPOWER ME AND BRAINWASH ME INTO THINKING THAT ITS COBS ARE NOT THE SOURCE OF ALL THE WORLD'S PERVERSIONS!!!!!!!!!!! SO I BURNED DOWN THE FIELD WITH A FIRE I STARTED BY BITING A FLASHLIGHT AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN A SAD FARMER CAME UP TO ME AND SAID I RUINED HIS LIVELIHOOD SO I HELPED HIM PLANT A BUNCH OF TOMATOES!!!!!!!!!!

5. SHAY GIVEN -- STOP STEALING MY JOKES!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN DOING THE SPRINKLER PEE GAG SINCE I WAS 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE DANE COOK OF GOALKEEPING SHAY GIVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN PRETEND TO POOP OUT WATER BOTTLES BUT IF YOU DO THE SPRINKLER PEE JOKE AGAIN I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A BOARD GAME!!!!!!!!!! PROBABLY CRANIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. GORDON RAMSAY GETTING SENT TO THE HOSPITAL BY TEDDY SHERINGHAM -- NORMALLY I HATE VIOLENCE OF ANY FORM ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S IN A CHARITY FOOTBALL MATCH BUT GORDON RAMSAY KIND OF DESERVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL HE DOES IS YELL AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY VOCAL CHORDS FEEL LIKE ANGRY MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. EDEN HAZARD FINED A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE FOR BEING LATE -- ONE TIME I MADE A PAINT THINNER BASED CHAMPAGNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT TASTED PRETTY GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I HEADBUTTED A 90 FLOWER ARRANGEMENT!!!!!!!!!! IT FELT LIKE BEAUTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. CHELSEA PLAYING AMERICAN SPORTS -- MY FAVORITE AMERICAN SPORT IS EATING UNTIL YOU DEVELOP ADULT ONSET DIABETES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY PERSONAL RECORD IS THREE MINUTES AND 17 SECONDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I'M STILL SITTING HERE IN THIS POOL ON THE NOODLES AND WITH THE CREME BRULEE RUNNING OUT OF MY NOSE AND MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING HERE AND HE SAID THAT HE WATCHED ME GRAB HIS GOOBER KIDS' POOL TOYS OUT OF THEIR GARAGE AND THEN RUN ACROSS THE STREET TO OUR OTHER NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE AND JUMP IN THEIR POOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD NO COMMENT BUT IF I DID I WOULD'VE SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD K! NOW THAT HE'S A PEEPING TOM WHO NEEDS TO MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS AND FIX THE LEG HOLE IN HIS GARAGE DOOR ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY HE JUST ASKED THAT I RETURN THE POOL TOYS ONCE I WAS DONE AND WASH OFF ANY CREME BRULEE I GET ON THEM AND I SAID I WOULD DO THAT FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN HE WALKED AWAY AND NOW I'M STILL FLOATING HERE AND WONDERING WHEN POLAND WILL FINALLY ASK ME TO PERFORM IN THE EURO 12 OPENING CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T SAY WHAT I'LL DO BUT IT DOES INVOLVE POOL NOODLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!


Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson
Sir Alex Ferguson has issued a video message to Manchester United season ticket holders restating the club's desire to regain their Premier League title - but warning of further last-gasp drama in the years to come.

After so many famous last-gasp successes, including the famous 1999 Champions League final victory over Bayern Munich in Barcelona, this season the boot was on the other foot.

When United concluded their final game at Sunderland, they were technically champions, only to be flattened by Sergio Aguero's late strike at the Etihad Stadium as Manchester City struck twice in stoppage time to claim the win they needed over QPR to end their 44-year wait for the championship.

However, now the dust has settled, Ferguson feels it is just another chapter in United's compelling story - a point he has made in a bid to keep fans within the Reds season ticket fold.

"When you look back on last season, it tells you the story of Manchester United," he said in his two-minute message.

"There is no club in the world who can create the drama that we created last year.

"Okay, it didn't work out our way this time but when you go back through the years and the number of times we have scored last minute goals it just added to the excitement and drama of Manchester United.

"It will always be there because that is the kind of club we are.

"When you are buying your season ticket you are guaranteed:

1) A possible heart attack.

2) Incredible excitement in the last minute of games.

3) Hope that we win the championship back."

United have missed out on one transfer target already this summer after Eden Hazard snubbed the lure of Old Trafford and elected to join Chels! ea.

However, the Reds are hoping to secure the services of Borussia Dortmund's Japanese midfielder Shinji Kagawa, with officials from the German champions confirming talks are at an advanced stage.

What do you think? Have your say.
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Manchester United's Wayne Rooney
Wayne Rooney may not be able to play in Englands opening two games in Euro 2012, but he is training as if he will be.

The United striker is suspended for the Group D matches against France and Sweden following his sending off in the final qualifying game against Montenegro, but is desperate to play a part in the competition, which starts in Poland and Ukraine next week.

He said: I feel good and Ive got a few weeks before I can play. I will be ready if needed.

Its important I do my training right.

Ive had a long time to think about missing these games and obviously its disappointing. But its something Ive dealt with really.

With missing the first two games, you never know with the new manager if hes got you in his plans or wants to have (the same) players involved in all the games.

But I will get myself ready and as fit as I can be.

Its a tough group with some good teams. We have to make sure were focused on each game and take it from there.

Following the resignation of Fabio Capello, new boss Roy Hodgson has had only a handful of training sessions with his squad and will have been in charge for just two games before England begin their campaign against the French on June 11.
Handy Joe Hart vital if the Three Lions are going to really roar!

Frank Lampard: England should be feeling! just ch ampion

Asked about Hodgsons contribution so far, Rooney said: Hes determined to get the message across to us on the training pitch and is very much a part of every training session. Its great to have him on the pitch, pointing out things maybe we need to know as a squad.

Although Englands three group games are being played in the Ukraine, their base will be in Krakow in Poland. But Rooney believes that wont be a problem.

In South Africa (at the World Cup two years ago) we were really isolated from the town centre, he said. Here we can go out of the hotel if we want and relax a bit.

But that doesnt mean we are not aware of our roles.

The important thing is to get ready for those group games.
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Sir Alex Ferguson
Roberto Di Matteo strolled along the beautiful Barbados beach, mobile pinned to his ear, face strained and serious.

Hed won the Champions League a week earlier, yet he didnt look happy and it wasnt only because his Chelsea veterans side had lost in the final of the BA Legends tournament for a second successive season to Manchester United.

News had filtered through to the players at the PFA organised tournament in the Caribbean that Eden Hazard was going to Stamford Bridge, yet the man whod led Chelsea to victory in Munich wasnt party to any serious negotiations.

And nor, does it seem, were Manchester City.

City and Chelsea can outbid any team in world football for a player, yet since the Blues pipped Chelsea for Robinho in 2008, the pair havent gone head-to-head for the same target, certainly not since Ron Gourlay replaced Peter Kenyon as chief executive in 2009.

Chelsea dont want to be part of aggressive auctions and with City bowing out of negotiations, Hazards agent was left to play United off against Chelsea.

Uniteds attractions were Sir Alex Ferguson, the clubs superior global standing and stability playing-wise. Chelseas were their status as European champions, London living and crucially far, far more money.

With an agent set to make from the deal, United didnt stand a chance. This is the reality when United go after footballs most coveted stars.

United are one of the biggest three clubs in the world alongside Real Madrid and Barcelona. Both marvel at Uniteds commercial acumen when it comes to sponsorship and merchandising, but thats only part of the picture because United cannot compete with the Spanish giants and City or Chelsea when it comes to signing new players.

Since 2009, U! niteds s couting network have correctly identified Karim Benzema, Samir Nasri, Alexis Sanchez and Eden Hazard. Very, very good offers have been made to each, but not good enough to match clubs who are neither burdened by paying-off their huge debts or run with the same financial prudence as United. City and Chelsea dont come close to breaking even, while Madrid and Barca who have traditionally enjoyed easy credit lines with Spanish banks and local government will pay players more, aided by a strong Euro and lower tax levels.

Madrid blew United out of the water for Benzema, Sanchezs agent played United off against the Catalans, Nasri went for more money to City after the player had intimated to Ferguson his desire to join and now Hazard has gone south to a club bankrolled by a Russian oligarch.

United should benefit from UEFAs financial fair play initiative more than the aforementioned rivals, but thats not likely to have any real affect until 2018 and even then the punishments are equivalent to being put on the naughty step for an hour.
Sir Alex Ferguson at double to fire Manchester United's midfield

Wayne Rooney is ready for action despite ban

All hugely frustrating for Reds who read stories of record revenues and a global fan base exceeding all others, yet see their club unable to land footballs absolute premium talents.

Hazard would have been a superb signing for United. I watched him live in Montpellier recently and he reminded me of Cristiano Ronaldo for his cocksure posturing, power and undiminished confidence in his own sublime ability. Oh how United would benefit from a world-class goalscoring attacking midfielder who can play on either wing.

Benzema, Sanchez and possibly Nasri would have been superb too. Theyre all emerging talents in their early 20s and this fits in with Uniteds philosophy, but the Reds cannot compete with money no object clubs.

United are like an Olympic swimmer trying to race a shark, while all the time having lead weights tied around their ankles.

Ferguson remains Uniteds greatest asset and a significant pull in attracting new talents, but that alone is not enough. His job would be made easier if he had signed the prospects he and his scouting team identified, but as it is, United will have to work with those players below the absolute top level whom the club can attract and the very good players already at Old Trafford.

At least Ferguson has a say in who comes and goes, unlike Di Matteo who has no idea whether hes coming or going.
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Mexico beat Bosnia-Herzegovina 2-1 in a very wet Chicago friendly on Thursday night, with the added-time winner coming from Chicharito. The Manchester United striker had a bit of help from Bosnia's Stojan Vranjes.

With the score at 1-1 in injury time, Vranjes' misfortune began when his attempt to head the ball out of Bosnia's box failed. When the ball came back to him, he volleyed the ball straight up into the air, which he decided was a good setup for a bicycle kick. Well, he appeared to completely botched that attempt, allowing the ball to bounce to Chicharito right in front of goal for the winning poke-in.

In fairness to Vranjes, the rain-slicked ball and pitch probably had something to with his difficulties. But even if they didn't, at least it was just a friendly.


All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle...

Don't slap Mario Balotelli on the back of the neck on picture day. He will mess up your tie and it will never be the same. [101gg]

Big Important Announcement: Fundraising has begun for a new quarterly football magazine that will really be something special and is long overdue. It's called Howler and I will be a regular contributor with original stories that you won't find on DT. A lot of excellent writers, editors and designers have been hard at work for months now on this and we need your help to raise the money necessary to make it as fantastic as it should be. Please check out the Kickstarter page and contribute what you can. There are some pretty awesome rewards available to those who pledge. [Kickstarter]

German football isn't s***. [The FCF]

Why not Leon Britton for England? [TFB]

Viggo Mortensen detained by airport security by celebrating a San Lorenzo goal. [KCKRS]

Fifth division amateur side Cal FC, managed by Eric Wynalda, shocks Portland Timbers in U.S. Open Cup. [US Soccer Players]

How Nike makes football shirts out of plastic bottles. [TBG]

Eden Hazard going to Chelsea for the right reasons. [Soccernet]

This is how MLS players go food shopping. [Kickette]

South Korea and the hooligans. [IBWM]


Ronaldinho has gotten his contract with Flamengo terminated by a Brazilian labor court over almost $20 million in unpaid wages. He is now free to sign with another club after scoring 29 goals in 72 matches for Flamengo since singing in January 2011.

From Sambafoot:

The reasons for the termination were four months of unpaid wages, a justification accepted by the judge.

The player's advisors will now pursue the unpaid wages through other means, whilst Ronaldinho has officially left the club.

Ronaldinho' termination follows an escalation in the arguments between the player and the club over a lack of professionalism, and for the club's part, unpaid wages.

Flamengo, who tried to suspend Ronaldinho for failing to attend training on Wednesday and missing a team flight, will appeal the court's ruling, according to Globo. In January, Ronaldinho's agent/brother claimed five months of unpaid wages amounting to just $2 million and blamed Traffic, the marketing group that was supposed to pay three-quarters of his salary for Flamengo. The issue was resolved when Flamengo agreed to eliminate Traffic and pay Ronaldinho's full salary themselves. But that apparently didn't happen.

Now that he's free, it will be interesting to see where Ronaldinho goes. There's been longstanding interest in MLS and there will probably be big-money offers from Russia and China, but staying in Brazil might give him the best hope (howe! ver real istic it is) of once again finding a place in the national team.


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